Lynn Lott - Chores Without Wars

You can enhance your skills for conversation with your children, encourage them to express feelings and opinions, and be involved in solving problems by small steps, medium steps, and big steps.

The following suggestions are small steps:
1. Ask your children what they think at least once a day and listen to their responses. For instance, ask, what do you think you could do to help the family get ready for dinner?" If your child answers, "I could make decorations," don't jump in with, "That's not what I meant." Seriously consider what your child says before you respond. If your child always responds with the same idea, you could say, "I know you love making decorations, but today we need help with either carrying the plates to the table or putting the napkins and silverware by the plates. Which would you like?"
2. Offer a limited choice whenever possible. "Would you like to bring the silverware or the plates to the table?" or "Would you like to feed the dog before dinner or after dinner?"
3. Help young children think about the consequences of their behavior by asking, "If you were the mommy or the daddy, what would you do when your child does this?" Two young boys volunteered to rake the leaves and stopped after raking only a fraction of the yard. Their father asked, "If you were the dad, what would you do about the job your sons just did?" The boys grinned sheepishly and said, "We'd ask the boys to finish. "
4. As your children get older, spend time each day asking how things are going and listen to what they say. This is a simple way to become aware of your children's opinions and thought processes. One family asks a question each night at the dinner table, like "What was the most embarrassing moment of your day?" or "What made you the angriest/happiest today?" Everyone in the family takes a turn answering, and all have fun sharing and listening.
5. Don't ask your children if they would like to do something if the answer "no" is unacceptable. "Would you be willing to take your little brother with you to the park?" is a request, not a command, so be sure it is acceptable to hear no for an answer. If not, say, "I'd like your help. Please take your little brother to the park so I can get some things done without any interruptions."

Medium steps allow and encourage your children to find solutions to problems with each other without your input. By giving the children a chance to problem solve without your advice, you can find out what their abilities are, as well as enjoy some simple solutions to complex problems.

If you think your responsibility is to fix everything and that you are the only one with good ideas, notice how creative the children are in the following examples. They came up with inventive solutions to difficult problems with no input from their parents.

The Swanson children were fighting over whose night it was for the dishes. Their mother, Andrea, said, "I'm tired of hearing you argue every night. I'll bet you five dollars you can't figure out a way to solve this problem without fighting."

Her children looked at her in amazement. Then one asked, "Five dollars apiece, or do we have to share it?"

"I'm so sure you can't figure out a better way that I'm willing to bet five dollars each," Andrea said with a grin.

The children retreated to the living room and were back in less than five minutes to collect their money. "Mom, we figured it out. We divided the dishes into two parts and we'll do the dishes together every night. We'll take turns doing 'first part' and 'second part.'"

"Do I need to know what's in the 'first part' and the 'second part?'" asked Andrea.

"Just watch and see how well our idea will work. We figured it out and we're not going to argue about dishes any more. Can we have our five dollars?"

"How about trying your idea out for the rest of the week to make sure it works. Then I'll give you the money." By the end of the week, Andrea Swanson was congratulating herself on the best ten dollar bet she ever lost.

In another family, the children were fighting over the new popcorn popper. Their father unplugged the unit and said, "When you've worked out a way to use the popper without fighting, you can try again."

At first the children grumbled, but later one said, "We worked it out. John can make the popcorn on Mondays and Wednesdays and I get it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Friday is free day. We both agreed."

If the children start squabbling again, Dad can put the popper away and say, "The plan seems to be falling apart. Try again. Let me know when your plan is worked out so you can use the popper."

Sometimes children will come up with a totally new plan to get things done. In a family where everyone did the gardening and watering together, one child volunteered to mow the lawn every week if he didn't have to do any other yard work. Everyone in the family was tired of listening to his complaining, so they agreed to try the new plan for a month. When the family sat down to evaluate at the end of the month, everyone had noticed much less grumbling and hassling over yard work and was pleased with the way things worked.

Another group of children helped solve a forgetfulness problem by suggesting that each child have a tag with their job list on one side and their picture on the other. The children agreed to check their tags before dinner. When their jobs were completed, they would turn the tags over to their picture and go to dinner. If their jobs weren't completed, they would do them before going to the table. One parent looked at each tag before dinner to see whether a smiling face or a list of chores stared back. If the parent noticed a list, he or she called to the child, "Come here and show me your smiling face." Everyone knew that was the signal to get to work and complete agreed-upon jobs.

A family of five children solved the laundry room chaos by deciding to each pick a day to do laundry. They all agreed that if a brother or sister forgot the wash in either the washer or dryer, the next person using the laundry room would put the forgotten laundry in a plastic bag and set it outside that sibling's bedroom door. The parents were thrilled with the suggestion, which ended the squabbles among the children and eliminated piles of dirty clothes in the laundry room.

Even though children can solve many problems without adult interference, they sometimes need adult help. If you are having trouble with recurring problems, another medium step is to help your children solve difficulties by having a conversation. First you listen to their feelings. Then you ask if they'd like to know what you think. If they say yes, which they usually will, share your feelings. If it's necessary, you can work together to come up with a plan you all can live with. If they say no, respect that and wait a day or so, then try again.

Feelings give important information about why problems are occurring. If your children are angry or resentful, listening to their feelings can help you and them move beyond a stuck place. Usually the tendency is to try to fix people's feelings, stop them from having feelings, or tell them they shouldn't feel that way. Instead, we know that when you listen to your children's feelings, you communicate that feeling the way they feel and thinking the way they think is okay. You are practicing unconditional love and acceptance when you let your children know you hear and understand their feelings without finding fault, explaining away their feelings, or fixing things for them. Amazingly, once expressed and heard, the feelings seem to dissipate all on their own.

Your children may struggle when they first try expressing feelings. They'll use statements that include the words like, that, as if, you, or they following the word feel. These words indicate what they are thinking, but not how they are feeling. For example, "I feel like I can't do anything right" is a thought, not a feeling. "I feel discouraged" expresses a feeling about not being able to do anything right. A helpfu1 hint: feelings are usually just one word: sad, angry, excited, content, overwhelmed, and so on.

Help your children express feelings by listening to what they tell you and reflecting back the contents as you fill in these blanks:

"You feel_____because_____and you wish_____." Since people often have difficulty with a "feeling vocabulary," in our offices, we use laminated feeling faces with feeling words to match to help them out. It isn't unusual for a child or an adult to shuffle through the faces and pick the ones that match their mood.

Eight-year-old Marguerite complained to her father that two-year-old Cassie was spoiled and not doing things the way she was supposed to. She objected to the way Cassie set the table, with silverware in the wrong place and the napkin covering the entire place setting. Marguerite said she would get in trouble if she set the table that way, but everyone laughed when Cassie did it.

Instead of arguing or invalidating Marguerite's feelings, her father said, "You're feeling upset because we laugh when Cassie does things wrong and when you make a mistake, you get in trouble, and you wish we would correct Cassie, too."

Marguerite looked at her father with surprise and said, "No, I don't want Cassie to get in trouble. She's only two. But I wish you would laugh at me the way you do Cassie."

"Everyone thinks she's so cute and treats her like a baby. I wish she wasn't so spoiled." .

Her father tried again. "You're feeling hurt because Cassie gets away with things and you're expected to act like a grownup and you wish we would stop spoiling Cassie."

"Yes," said Marguerite. "How is Cassie ever going to learn to do things the right way? When I was two, I couldn't put the napkin on top of the plate."

'You had a very special way of setting the table. We made a shelf just for you that you could reach, with all the dishes and silverware on it. At least ten times a day, you used to set the plates on the chairs, put the silverware on the plates, and sit on the floor and pretend you were eating. Then you would call Mommy and me over and tell us to sit on the floor with you. Then you would instruct us to eat everything on our plates. You were such a cutie!"

Marguerite smiled as she heard the story. "Did I really do that? Maybe Cassie will grow up and learn to set the table right when she's my age."

"Yes, honey; I think that will happen just like it did for you. But if Mommy and I are scolding you for making a mistake, you can tell us that your feelings are hurt. I'm sorry if I said something that hurt your feelings."

In another family, Mrs. Talivera argued daily with her six-year-old daughter, Amelia, about her messy room. When' asked to clean her room, Amelia had a tantrum, so Mrs. Talivera decided to try listening to her daughter's feelings. She said, "You're feeling angry because it is too hard to clean this mess alone, and you wish I would help you?" Amelia corrected her and said, "I'm not angry, I'm tired, and I don't want to clean my room right now."

At this point, Mrs. Talivera decided to let Amelia know how she was feeling by using the same formula: "I understand that you are tired and would like to wait till later. Perhaps we could do that, but I have another problem. I feel upset because we are fighting, and I wish we could figure out a way to work this out without. fighting."

"Well," her six-year-old said, "you always want me to clean my room when I'm tired." .

"You're upset because I pick a bad time for you to clean your room, and you wish I would ask when you aren't tired?" queried Mrs. Talivera. "Yes, and I don't like it when you yell at me either."

'Would you like to work out a plan so you can do your room when you're not tired and I can stop yelling? That would make me happy, too, because I don't like to fight with you. If we wait too long, your room will get so messy that it will be too hard to clean. I wonder if cleaning your room right before dinner might work better. Are you tired then?"

"Maybe I could let you know when it's fifteen minutes before dinner. We could set the timer and you could clean your room then. Right before we sit down to eat, you could come and get me and show me your room. If you need help, I could spend a few minutes before dinner with the parts that are too hard for you. Would you 1ike to try this out today?"

Amelia's mother practiced a simple problem-solving method with her child. First she listened to her child's feelings. Next she shared how she felt. Finally she made a suggestion and asked if they could try it out for a short time. If Amelia had given a different suggestion, Mrs. Talivera might have started a list of ideas and suggested they pick one to try for a few days. Finding a solution both people can live with, based on information gained by listening to feelings, is an easy way to come up with win/win solutions.

Holding a weekly, regularly scheduled family talk time or instituting family meetings are big steps that improve communication and raise self-esteem. A family talk time is a time set aside once a week where family members sit down together and talk about whatever is on their minds. They may balk at the notion of something called a "meeting" or even something with the word "family" in it, especially if they are living in a stepparent situation, but they don't mind having a talk time. On the other hand, at a family meeting the procedure is more formalized. Most family meetings have an agenda usually consisting of appreciations, old business, problem solving, scheduling, and a fun activity together. Both meetings are a time for family members to air feelings, get compliments, and have conversations.

Both family talk times and family meetings should be held once a week on the same day for everyone living in the house. Make sure there are no other distractions such as TV or phone calls. Sit around a table or in the living room. If a family member chooses not to be involved, hold the get-together without them and let them know they are welcome to join at any time. Set a time limit for your meeting from fifteen minutes to a half hour. Items not completed can be handled at the next family meeting.

During the week, post an agenda. A good place is on the refrigerator where everyone can see and write on it. Use the agenda as a reminder list for issues that are important to discuss that might be forgotten by the day you hold your meeting. In addition to serving as a reminder, the posted agenda allows you to postpone dealing with an issue until everyone is present to help solve the problem and figure out what to do.

Start each family meeting with compliments and appreciations so everyone gets an opportunity to say and hear something positive. Depending on the age and skill level of family members, you can take turns leading the meeting and writing down agreements made. After compliments the chairperson calls off items on the agenda and helps family members take turns practicing respectful communication. The easiest way to do this is to go around the table twice giving each person two turns to state his or her opinion or feelings about the issue without being interrupted. If the person has nothing to say, it's okay to say "I pass." This is a good time to practice the problem-solving skills in this chapter, including asking family members for their opinions, sharing and listening to feelings, and offering choices.

It is important that everyone in the family agrees before a change is carried out. This agreement is called consensus. Until you reach consensus, you might have to live with things the way they are. Some subjects need to be discussed for several weeks before a family can come to consensus. Holding a conversation without having to fix anything is a great tool for bringing about family cooperation and harmony.

Brainstorming (generating a list of suggestions without evaluation) creates more choices everyone can consider. Instead of seeking a perfect solution, suggest that family members choose-one idea from the list of brainstormed suggestions to try for a short time, like one week. Set a time to meet again to evaluate the solution and discuss what everyone learned by trying it out.

Family meetings work best when everyone focuses on solutions rather than problems and who is to blame for them. No one should be in trouble at a family meeting and everyone should be listened to and taken seriously. We recommend using family meetings to discuss items of interest to the children before jumping in to solve the family chore problems. Once family members have practiced listening to and helping each other, you will have an easier time working out the details for family chores.

Here’s an email from Jessica Duersch, a mom of 3 boys, ages 1 & 1/2, 3, and 5. I’ve asked Jessica if I could share her email on my website because I think what she has to say is pertinent and familiar to anyone raising kids. The poem at the end is one she wrote a few years back. I hope you will print it, cut it out, and stick it on your fridge with a magnet so you can read it often. It’s great advice!

“I have had to mend a few mistakes this week, and even figure out how to replace a shattered dustpan when out of frustration I smacked it against a chair as I was trying to get my 3 year old's attention.

As I was picking up the pieces of the dustpan, I found myself thinking, I need a time-out, and then trying to figure out why Logan seemed to be ignoring every request I made and then the realization hit...it was 6:00pm and during the day I had fixed breakfast, cleaned up from breakfast, provided assistance in getting dressed and chores done, cleaned the house, washed, dried, folded and put away mountains of laundry, worked on bills and budgets, gone grocery shopping, fixed dinner, cleaned up from dinner - but when had I actually played with Logan? When did he get one on one time with me?

Of the minutes I had spent with him, (and they could be counted on one hand) all of them were in response to his not getting dressed, not taking his dishes to the sink, jumping on the furniture or getting into cupboards he wasn't supposed to. All day long he had been asking me to do things with him, and my "just a minute" responses didn't meet his needs and there was always one more thing that seemed more pressing then playing or reading books with him.

What I did to turn things around is a reminder to me of the wonderful magic of laughter and play.

I took a minute or two and breathed deeply and prayed for extra patience. Then I went to Logan and apologized for my actions. I asked him what he would like to do together for fun and he said he wanted to race cars on the kitchen floor.

Twenty minutes of hot wheels cars racing, and spinning around on the kitchen floor brought the healing sounds of laughter and love back into our home. Logan didn't immediately start obeying, but our relationship is much improved - and it really brought things back into focus for me that my kids are much more important than the other seemingly important things that need to be done.

P.S. I am happy to share that I have done a better job this week of taking the time to play with my boys, especially my 3-year old, Logan, early in the day and it has made all the difference! I am still challenged as a working mom and teacher feeling a little stressed as the school year approaches with many things yet to do, though I have been so pleasantly surprised at the change in Logan as we have played for 20 minutes every morning this week.

Yesterday, we pretended the trampoline was a ship and Scooby Doo was on board with us. I followed his lead and found myself smiling and laughing and truly enjoying being with Logan. I invested a few precious minutes and the dividends have been wonderful. He has been so much better about helping out with the dishes and putting away his clothes without even being asked. It surely reminded me that "kids do better when they feel better" and so do I!

Thanks for the opportunity to share my story and my poem.

ONE ON ONE FUN!

By Jessica Duersch

Invest 20 minutes of each day.
Make the time to play, play, play.

One on one, each child, each day;
Take the time to play, play, play.

Put kids first and you will see
How much they add to your family.

Sharpen your focus, just on them;
Let no distractions enter in.

The magic of this simple task -
Creating relationships that last.

From puzzles to board games or taking a walk.
Books and bike rides to building with blocks.

Drawing a picture and coloring it too,
There are many thing you two can do.

Don't instruct or criticize,
Just view the world through your child's eyes.

For the secret's in doing and talking things through.
Listen to your children, so they'll listen to you!

Though there are those things that have to get done;
Take time each day for some one on one FUN!

Some ideas that are really working for our family :

Do vs. Don’t - My kids respond so much better when they know what, where or when they can do something rather than hearing "Don't...!" or "No, not right now..." frequently.

Creating safe places to explore - a well designed space is so valuable for toddlers and preschoolers who are hardwired to explore their environment. I find myself often considering, what do my kids need and can they access things like cups for water, jackets, clothes, toys, and the things they need?

Jobs
I have observed that as soon as a child can walk there are many things they can do to help. They can carry things from the table to the sink with minimal help, toss toys in a bucket, put clothes in a basket, etc. The part that Garin (1 1/2) likes is the excitement in my voice and actions and a high five when he completes a task.

Routines
Picture charts posted at kid eye level, remind my boys about all the things they can do and establish predictability to our days. It helps with transitions and teaches responsibility.

Playing together
When I play with my kids I find there are many opportunities for teaching skills of sharing, taking turns, trading toys, and exploring how the world works. Laughter, smiles, fun, and strong friendships are also good reasons to play together.