At a time when too many people think they are victims of brain chemistry or bad genes, this chapter provides an optimistic alternative to understanding how you got to be the person you are today. The chapter reviews influences on your personality and helps you look at the choices you made about who you are that you didn't even know you were making. After reading the chapter, you may realize that it's not nature or nurture that determines your personality, but the decisions you made while life happened around you.  

Do-It-Yourself Therapy

Recognize How You Got to Be You

Life is like a play. Each of you is an actor who was pushed out onto the stage in the middle of an act, required to improvise as you went along. (We were shown this often-used metaphor at a workshop presented by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner.) From your first entrance, you ad-libbed from what you sensed inside you, what you saw around you, and what resulted from your interactions with your fellow players. Unaware that you were making decisions, you decided who and how you would have to be to remain distinct from the other characters, and you concluded how you would have to proceed to retain a role in the drama.

There is a long-standing debate on whether it is your genetic heritage or your childhood environment that has the most influence on your personality. In psychology, this pull between genes and society is called "nature versus nurture." Is it the inherited genetic makeup or is it the situations, circumstances, and people to whom you relate that makes you who you are? While both are important, we use an additional parameter and consider it the most important factor. We believe it is the individual's unconscious decisions about what they bring with them and what happens around them that uniquely shapes their personalities.

Our formula for personalities

In your life, both your heredity and your environment influenced your unconscious decisions, but they did not create them. In order to give you a better idea of how your personality was developed, take a look at our formula: heredity (nature) + environment (nurture) + unconscious decisions (creative interpretations) = personality.

Heredity includes your genetics. Environment includes features that were present when you arrived: your parents, their values, their parenting style, their relationship with each other, your physical and social environment, your siblings, and your position in the birth order.

This week your therapy will take you back to your dramatic beginnings and expand your awareness of how your childhood relationships and experiences helped you shape your personality. As you understand more about how childhood events influenced your creative interpretations, you'll uncover some of your unconscious conclusions. Then, you can see how your childhood beliefs have taken you to success, and how they may also be creating problems for you. You may identify beliefs you want to modify.

The influence of your parents

As a child you stepped onto the stage of life, making your own decisions about yourself, others, life, and how to behave in order to belong. Your parents created the context for those decisions. (When we use the word "parents," we are referring to the adults who provided your primary care, whether they were your biological parents, stepparents, grandparents, baby sitters, and so forth.) They were the directors of the production, providing the environmental (nurture) part of the equation. They established the setting and atmosphere in the family. They communicated their values, from which you decided how people should and should not behave. The way they parented and disciplined you impacts all of your developing beliefs about yourself, others, life, and your own behavior. They provided siblings for you through birth, adoption, or marriage. We examine these environmental influences one by one to help you understand more about yourself.

Your environment's role in your personality

When you entered the play of your life, what was the set like? Was it filled with lots of people and noise? Did you grow up in a quiet, rural area? What language was spoken in your family or your neighborhood? What customs were observed? Were there lakes, rivers, mountains, plains, ocean dunes, or concrete? Your physical setting invites different kinds of decisions. If you grew up in an apartment in Manhattan, you'd probably have a different world view than someone who grew up in the Florida Everglades or on the plains of North Dakota.

Shirley's story

Shirley grew up in a Lutheran community in a small Midwestern town perched on the shore of one of the Great Lakes. Her family was the only Jewish family in the neighborhood, and she was frequently teased by the children in town. Shirley didn't know why the children did this to her-she thought they were her friends. How different Shirley's world view is from a Jewish child growing up in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood in a large metropolitan city. Shirley's beliefs about not fitting in were in part influenced by her childhood's setting.

The influence of a family's atmosphere

The stage was set before you were born. If someone described the atmosphere of your childhood, what would it be? Cheerful and happy? Gloomy and stormy? Orderly and predictable or chaotic and unpredictable? Scary or safe? Warm and friendly or cold and uninviting? This all had a profound effect on your feelings, expectations, and beliefs. Your family atmosphere was created by your parents, by the ways they related to each other, the ways they parented you, what they were like as people, and how they organized the household and the family.

Kevin and Joyce's story

Dishes crashed against the wall and silverware flew across the kitchen. This was a nightly occurrence at Kevin's house. He and his sister Joyce would take cover wherever they could. As their parents drinking continued, screaming matches ensued. Evenings frequently ended with Kevin's father hitting his mother, who would fall asleep sobbing on the couch. The next morning they acted as if nothing had happened.

One day, Joyce went into Kevin's room to borrow scissors and glue. When Kevin verbally attacked her, Joyce called him names. Their bickering quickly escalated into a physical confrontation. Their mother was horrified when Joyce came to her screaming and bleeding because Kevin had thrown a toy truck at her, hitting her in the head. Kevin and Joyce's world was so chaotic and stormy as children, that it wasn't surprising that, as an adult, Kevin found himself sitting in a men's violence prevention group, while Joyce spent years as a battered wife.

The influence of your parents' values

Was the play of your life a comedy or tragedy? What was the story line or the major theme of your family's play? In all families, there are issues and topics of importance to both parents (when there are two), which we refer to as "family values." If you were raised by a single parent, perhaps many of your values came from grandparents or an extended community who helped to raise you. Whether the significant adults in your life were in agreement or not, you and your siblings got their messages one way or another.

Every family has values, but not all families' values are the same. Maybe you relate to some of these statements: "Work comes before play." "It's important to be physically fit." "Give to those less fortunate." "Don't say, don't tell, don't share." What are some of your family values? What were your family's values about illness, money, achievement, work, alcohol and drugs, sexuality, and male and female roles?

Your parents' attitudes about these and other issues were the themes of the thousands of interactions in your family when you were a child. You were exposed to those themes every day. Eventually, you either embraced the messages or rejected them. You rarely take a neutral stance with family values, so your decisions become the "shoulds" in the unconscious belief system that guides your life: "People should get a good education." "People should make sure they can be self-supporting." "People should be physically fit." "People should see to others before they take care of their own needs." "People should not be materialistic." "People should never discuss family business with strangers."

Denise and Mark's story

Denise grew up in a family where both parents thought a good education was essential to being a worthwhile human being. While neither of them put it in those words, they were both fascinated with their children's projects in school, attended every school function, and were upset when their children didn't work hard enough for good grades.

From the beginning, Denise's brother Mark did not do well at school. Every night Mark and his father battled over his homework. His father wanted it to be perfect before Mark turned it in. Mark, on the other hand, didn't seem to care about his homework and didn't understand what he was supposed to do. Although he managed to graduate from high school, Mark vowed to never set foot in a classroom again.

As a young man working in construction, Mark became a gifted craftsman with an eye for detail and was never satisfied until a project was completed perfectly. At the same time, he would not consider getting his own contractor's license because of the course work he'd have to take to sit for the licensing exam.

Denise, on the other hand, loved school. She took pride in her grades and the quality of her work. She chose college prep courses in high school, and attained an advanced university degree. Later in life, she took classes in what interested her as a way to expand her knowledge.

The influence of your parents' personalities

What were the lead adult players, or "parents" in your play of life like as people? Think of three adjectives you would use to describe each of them, as they were when you were growing up. Their personalities and behavior helped set the tone that influenced your view of how life is, as well as how men and women are or should be. If there was only one parent, where did you look to find models of adults of the other sex, to help you decide how women and men should be?

Dylan and John's story

Dylan and John's mother-was creative, energetic, and optimistic. She didn't seem to worry, believing that everything would work out for the best. She had faith that what a person could think of, a person could accomplish. If she was working on a project and someone told her, 'You can't do that," she would find another way to accomplish the job.

Dylan's father was a serious, hard-working man who plodded through life providing for his family. His steady (albeit modest) income allowed his wife to become actively involved with causes she was passionate about. She worked to improve the local school curriculum, along with heading a committee to insure the continuation of a music program that was slated for budget cuts.

In a workshop Dylan and John attended, they learned about how they had formed their personalities. Dylan realized he had taken a page from his mother's book, concluding that "Life is a place where anything is possible if you're persistent enough." The complaints he had from his girlfriend about how he wouldn't take no for an answer, made sense.

John viewed his family from a different perspective. He realized that his decision had been, "Men have to work to provide, while women get what they want." And he finally understood why, at work, he didn't bother to push an issue with his partner, who was a woman, when they had a disagreement.

The influence of your parents' relationship

What was the interaction between your parents like? Were they both there? Had one abandoned the family, leaving the other to raise you alone? Was one of your parents physically present all the time, while the other was more emotionally present, even if only for short times? Was there a divorce, a separation, or a remarriage in your family? If so, you might have decided that relationships are tenuous or that you can't count on anyone. Perhaps you decided that you will never get married because marriages don't work out. Maybe you believe that it is important to leave a bad or abusive relationship and try again.

If your parents had noisy, abusive, or scary fights, you might see life as a dangerous, stormy place. Did your parents cooperate or compete? Was one parent dominant and the other-submissive? Or did they relate as equals, sharing decision-making? If one parent called the shots while the other simply complied, your conclusion might have been that life is a place where there are bosses who make decisions while everyone else falls into line. Did your parents practice mutual respect, talking over decisions and expressing their feelings? Were they warm, loving, and kind to one another or were they cold, angry, and distant? If your parents were engaged in a "cold war," you might expect all relationships to be distant, avoiding them to ward off feelings of isolation. Unless you've had some relationship training, your views on intimacy, cooperation, and negotiation depend largely on how your parents handled their conflicts and differences with each other.

Kelly's story

Kelly was working her way through Do-It-Yourself Therapy, developing awareness every week about herself and her relationships. When she was thinking about the influences of her environment, Kelly recalled her parents' relationship. She remembered how terrified she had felt as a child when her moody, explosive, and angry father yelled at her mother over some minor mistake she'd made, such as a spill or a forgotten chore. Her mother would cower and apologize repeatedly. Other times, her father was mellow and sweet, bringing her mother presents and reading to her on Saturday nights after dinner. She could never count on which father would be coming through the door at night.

Kelly described the atmosphere in her home as "changeable" and "threatening." She realized that her parents' relationship had shaped her beliefs and affected her life in many ways. She had grown up afraid of anger-her own and anyone else's. She feared it would result in the frightening displays she had experienced with her father. She was timid, afraid of taking risks, and fearful of making mistakes, cowering her way through life. She thought men were unpredictable and was careful not to get too close to them.

The influence of parenting styles

In your life, the adults who were responsible for you had a distinct parenting style. It affected how you thought about yourself and how you behaved. Did your parents expect conformity and obedience from children, or were individual differences respected, creativity encouraged, and your opinions appreciated? Did your parents make decisions without consulting you or your sibling, or did they involve you or let you decide for yourself? Did your parents use family meetings to problem solve and share feelings, or were they the kind of parents who thought of children as objects? Did your parents teach you to obey and punish you if you defied them? Did they motivate you to behave as they wanted you to by punishing, hitting, praising, rewarding, or bribing? Did they teach you to think for yourself, even if that meant disagreeing with them? Did they let you do whatever you wanted and wait on you hand and foot? Did they help you have and do what you wanted within limits and expect you to do your part in household tasks?

Maybe your parents disagreed about how to raise you and what the proper discipline should be. It's not unusual that parents disagree. If this happened in your family, you might have decided one of the following: "I know who to ask to get what I want." "I'll just sneak out the back and do what I want while they're busy arguing." "Life is chaotic." "Women are nice but men are mean." Think about how you're still operating on the beliefs you formed in childhood.

Many of the decisions that make up your belief system sprang from your parents' "leadership styles." Although most real-life mothers, fathers, teachers, and caregivers are made up of some combination of the categories we present in the chart on pages 96-97, these four typical parental roles will help you understand the impact adults had on your developing views of self, others, life, and behavior.

Simone's story

Simone's parents were strict authoritarians. From the time she was small, they taught Simone the "correct" way to dress, eat, speak, and behave in public. They made her sit at the table until every bite on her plate was gone and punished her if she didn't. They expected her to do well in school, to study piano, and to play tennis so that she would be well-rounded and well-educated.

Even as a teenager, when she began to express her ideas, their dinner table conversations became a battleground as her father insisted she quote the sources for every idea she supported. He discounted what she had to say if it didn't agree with his own thinking. Her parents had seen to it that her life was so structured, Simone had neither the time nor the privacy to develop a secret life. She never could experiment with different ways of thinking, feeling, behaving, dressing, or anything else. When Simone went away to college and had to make decisions for herself about what to eat, what to wear, who to hang out with, and whether to do her homework, she was overwhelmed. Within two months she had slept with four men, gained 20 pounds, used five kinds of mind altering drugs, and withdrew from three of her classes. Before her first semester ended, she was back home in the middle of a severe depression.

The influence of heredity

When you stepped onto the stage of your life, you arrived with certain genetic qualities. These qualities influenced the decisions you made about yourself and may have typecast you. Many people believe that your temperament or disposition is genetic. However, we would argue that your temperament developed as a result of your unconscious decisions about finding your unique place among your siblings (which we cover later in this week's therapy). Those qualities that are set when you are born rather than formed by your decisions consist of your physical attributes. Are you male or female, tall or short, stocky or angular? What color are your eyes, your hair, your skin? What is your bone structure? What sound does your voice make? What kind of vision do you have? How's your hearing?

You made decisions about what you could and couldn't do based, at least in part, on what you noticed about yourself. For example, if you entered with one of your feet on backwards, you had to decide what to do with that. You could spend your life sitting, waiting for others to come to you and do for you. Or you could hop around after your siblings and insist they include you in their games. If you are short, you could decide you weren't as good as those who were tall, expect not to be noticed, and keep to yourself, or you could make sure you raised a ruckus every time you wanted to be recognized. If you were born with what you saw as a face "only a mother could love," you could decide you'd have to develop your personality or your intellect to compensate. Or, you could decide not to expect much attention and appreciation in life since you didn't have the good looks to earn it. Or, you may choose reconstructive surgery to achieve the look you want (with today's technology, there's very little about the body that cannot be altered).

Ben's story

Ben, an active five year old, contracted polio and spent many months in an iron lung, watching life pass by. Although he recovered enough to walk on crutches and leave the confines of the iron lung, he never got his carefree attitude back.

His parents wanted him to experience a normal life, so they sent him to the local public school where Ben felt awkward and out of place and hid out in the back of the classroom, hoping he wouldn't be noticed. He developed a rich inner life, including a love of music and art.

The fear of isolation and helplessness that he experienced in the iron lung hung over him like a ghost, so he made sure he always dated women who could look after him. In many ways, he limited his ability to do for himself by choosing a partner who was a caregiver, who felt sorry for him, and thought he needed more help than he did.

The influence of your siblings

Every play needs conflict to keep the audience captivated. What better way is there to provide conflict than to add more players (or, in your case, siblings). More than any other single factor, your personality was formed by the decisions you made interacting with your siblings and your view from your birth order position. Think about how it was for you as you read Mary's, Mason's, and Minnie's stories. Each child is born into a somewhat different familiar atmosphere, because parents and the way they parent changes over time as they gain age and experience. The stresses acting on the family also ebb and flow with job changes, moving, death, and divorce, as well as the birth of additional children. Pay special attention to how Mary, Mason, and Minnie improvised. Ask yourself if you used any of these methods when you were pushed out onto the stage of your life.

Mary's story: the first born

When Mary was born, there were two adults working and taking care of the household. They seemed busy and happy to be with each other, eager for Mary's arrival as well as being anxious and tense. One said, "1 know we'll be perfect parents." The other said, "This is such a big responsibility! The right food, the right clothes, the right pediatrician, the right schools ." The first parent replied, "Don't worry. We have it under control. We'll know all the answers by the time he needs them, to which the other replied, "You mean, by the time she needs them."

From the day of Mary's birth, all the action focused on her. She heard them say, "We're so happy you're here. You're incredible and perfect." The adults watched everything Mary did, and then reported her behaviors to the rest of the family. When Mary cried, one of her parents was there immediately. Mary's parents were many times her size, moved swiftly, seemed sure of themselves, knew what to do, and seemed to understand what she needed. The adults appeared efficient and capable. What do you think Mary might have been deciding? What would you have decided? How about, "I'm important. I'm the center of the universe. I'm small. I can depend on others to meet needs. Life is tense but predictable."

Most of the time Mary was quiet and contented, but on occasion she would notice frowns on the adults' faces. What do you think she might have been thinking then? What would you have thought? Could it be, "They only love me when I'm good. I'd better not make a mess. I have to figure out how to please them."

Mary's parents were serious about their job of parenting, intensely focused on Mary and they determined to do everything right. As Mary grew, she copied the big people in her world, attempting to please them, do things the right way, the perfect way-the way big people did. She often heard the adults say, "She's such an easy, happy baby. She learns so quickly. She's so good, she doesn't give us any trouble. She does just what we ask!" Perhaps she decided, "I don't give anyone trouble. I'm smart. I can do what they do."

Mary might be well on her way to growing up to be a responsible leader; she was diligent and serious, conforming to the rules and values of the family, or of "authority." This is true of a lot of first borns, and probably happened with you if you were a first born. It makes sense, given the typical influences you encountered at birth. Little did you or Mary know that the play was about to take an unexpected turn which would affect your views of yourself, others, and life forever.

Mason's story: the second born

When Mason entered in the second act, he came into a different world than Mary who had entered a childless world and set the standard for how children should be. When second born Mason came on stage, it appeared as though everyone else had read the script. Mason had to improvise for a while, figuring out the setting, plot, and characters. He saw two adults focusing their adoration on a cute, smart, well-behaved, three-year-old girl at center stage. She looked big compared to Mason. He saw how clever and skillful she already was with using the toilet, eating with a spoon, pouring cereal, and singing songs.

He noticed that the adults were busy, but they seemed relaxed and confident. They were calmer and more experienced in their roles as parents than they were when their first child was born. Mason was already making some decisions about what he saw: "I'm little; others are big. Sister is clever, quick, and quiet. Life is calm."

After Mason burst onto the stage, the focus of attention shifted to him. He tried out interactions with each of the others and watched carefully to see what unfolded. He observed that when he made noises others noticed him. He decided, "Noise gets noticed. If I'm quiet no one looks."

Meanwhile, Mary was deciding as she noticed how the adults treated newborn Mason, that "I'm not helpless or fussy like him. I'll have to be really good for them to like me now." She may have believed that her special place was threatened and felt upstaged or "dethroned" by the enthralling little novelty of her baby brother. She had to figure out how she could stay in the spotlight she had grown used to, how she could stay first ahead of Mason. How did your first-born sibling stay ahead of you? How did you behave to find your special place in the limelight?

One day Mason's mother was busy putting laundry in the dryer and didn't come when he cried out. He cried louder and finally she bustled into the room looking harried, her brow creased. He decided, "I'm annoying. 1 have to scream to be heard. She doesn't have time for me. I'm not important." As his mother changed his diaper, Mason's big sister Mary brought his bottle, and he heard his mother say, "What a big girl and a great helper you are to notice your baby brother is hungry. He was crying so hard. He's not quiet like you."

When Mary heard the comparison, she enjoyed the recognition, but it also felt like an overwhelming pressure. Mason decided, "Sister's responsible. I'm little. She's quiet. I'm loud." Later Mason saw Mary playing with blocks. He crawled over to explore and knocked over the pile she was making. She pushed him away and he cried out. His sister said, "You broke my building. You're not supposed to play like that; don't you know anything?" Mother came and scolded Mason, picked him up, and he cried harder. Mother then put Mason in his bed, saying, "You just sit in there and think about what you did! No treat for you this afternoon!" Mason decided, "1 wreck things. 1 mess things up. Mother takes care of me when I cry. Girls are skilled and bossy. I don't play right. Mom makes a fuss when I'm naughty." There are countless "stage directions," characterizations, and dialogue both Mary and Mason might be writing into their personal versions of the script which they make up as they go through life. As the action unfolds around them, they determine the meaning and improvise their part in each interaction. You did the same, thing when you were a child. Can you remember some of your decisions?

If you're a second born like Mason, you may not be concerned with following the rules and meeting adult expectations, or even recognizing the rules, as first born Mary did. You arrived in an environment that was more relaxed, because your "practiced" parents were calmer and less strict in their parental roles. Reflecting that atmosphere, you may have become flexible and friendly.

Like every child born you searched for a way to create your own place, and to be unique and special in your family. You had the mistaken belief of every child, "I have to be different from the others to be special and stand out, or my parents won't love me." And you chose your different way of being unconsciously. First children believe they must be first, while second children try harder to catch up. Your parents were probably astonished by how different their children were. The areas you picked to compete in and where you chose to distinguish yourselves from each other are likely to have been those areas which were part of your family's values.

It's not unusual to find one child conforming and adopting a parent's approach to a certain issue, while another rebels. This happens whether parents agree or disagree about the issue. Often, a second born will look at an accomplished older child and conclude, "That's the way to belong," and then set out to catch up to or out do his or her older sibling. This often happens if the two are close in age or the same sex. If this is what happened in your case, maybe the oldest child in your family switched roles. When a child becomes discouraged, sometimes he or she thinks that, "If I can't be first by being the best, I'll be first by being the worst."

Minnie's story: the last born

When Minnie, the youngest child came onto the stage, everything changed. It seemed to the parents that their older children had grown a foot over night. All of a sudden they looked so much bigger and more capable than before Minnie arrived. Mason and Mary now became part of the support staff. They could soothe and entertain themselves, fetch items needed for the baby, help out Mom and Dad, and be caretakers in a pinch.

Mary, now five years old, was already thinking, "I know what to do." Defending her title as the helpful, mature, and responsible one, Mary was comfortable in the role of little mother. She helped feed Minnie, play with her, dress her, boss her around, and do all the things Minnie was too little to handle. Minnie might have decided as the youngest, "I'm the smallest. Everyone is bigger than I am. I might trip and fall. Others carry me. Others will take care of me. Life is a breeze."

What Minnie saw was a stage filled with action. Her mother and father were sometimes short with each other. There was always too much to do, they disagreed about who should do what, and sometimes they fought. Minnie had to figure out how to fit in and get noticed. So she smiled, cooed, babbled, and laughed. Everyone responded warmly when she made funny little noises and cute little faces. Minnie's family members told her she was adorable and spent time playing with her. No matter how busy, there was always someone who could see to her needs. She just had to figure out whether she would catch up with brother and sister and do what they did, or sit back and let them come to her.

One day as Minnie tried to tie her shoe for the first time, Mason rushed over saying, "Here, Minnie, I'll do that for you." Minnie decided, "I can't do it. I'm incapable." If Mom, Dad, Mason, and Mary continued to give Minnie attention every time she needed something, she would grow up with little confidence and a sense of entitlement. This often happens with the youngest child. If there's always someone bigger, older, stronger, and quicker doing for them what they might be struggling to learn for themselves, youngest children conclude they can never measure up and never catch up, so why try. Did you make decisions like these if you are the youngest in your family?

As Minnie grew, she watched her big sister Mary go off to school. Mary didn't have many friends, but she focused her energy on achieving academic honors. She decided early on that she wanted to be a lawyer. Minnie decided that the "good student" place in the family was already taken, and proceeded to do more of what she was good at-socializing. She socialized so much in her family that she distinguished herself as the "social, gregarious one."

Teachers often called Minnie Chatty Cathy because she spent class time talking to her friends, instead of paying attention to the lesson. The phone was always ringing at home, where she spent hours visiting with her friends. Her mother and father described her as their "social butterfly." What did your parents say about you?

Unless your parents made a point of encouraging your independence, you may have stayed the "baby" and had fewer opportunities to learn skills. If you were clever at getting others to do for you, maybe you make a great committee head today! As the youngest, maybe you're cute, charming, and playful, but you frequently complain that you're not taken seriously. However, you might have the highest sociability rating of any of your siblings.

Mason becomes the middle child

Where Mason once had the distinction of being the smallest, newest, cutest, and most challenging member of his family, he was now unseated. Someone new had taken over that spot. He found himself in a dilemma. Who was he and how would he distinguish himself since charming little Minnie had arrived? Would "loudmouth, irresponsible, mess maker" be enough to keep him visible in the growing throng?

Often a middle child feels squeezed, having neither the privileges of the oldest nor the freedom of the youngest child. If you're a middle child you might have developed a special talent to distinguish yourself. Or, you might have felt crowded out, unsure of your position. You probably had some doubts about how you'd continue to receive the family's attention.

The motto of the middle child is, "Life is unfair." Being in the middle, you see both sides, so you may have been sensitive to justice and fairness. It's a belief that can make you give up or mount a campaign to right injustice. Were you a mediator in your family (are you one now)? When you're discouraged, do you express concern with justice by harboring bitterness or by seeking revenge. As a child, you saw children who were smaller and younger and less skillful than you. You also saw children who were bigger, older, and probably more skilled than you. You had a broader range of models and characteristics to compare yourself with than either your oldest or youngest sibling.

Mason was only two when Minnie entered the scene. Mason's parents were disturbed when he became louder, often crying and fussing. Nothing they did seemed to comfort him. From the beginning he seemed difficult, and he seemed to be getting worse. He was allergic to milk, didn't eat the same food his family ate, and was still wetting his bed at the age of six. While Mary picked up her toys when asked, Mother had to tell Mason again and again. Mary was so helpful, she sometimes jumped in to pick the toys up for him.

Mother often asked Mason why he couldn't be more like his sister. Mason usually replied with a wordless shrug. When Mason went to school, teachers said, "Oh, you're Mary's brother, I'm so happy you're in my class," until they got to know him. He often tuned out in class, staring out the window, sketching furiously in his notebook. Mason had decided there was room for only one "student" in the family. Mason brought his notebook home to show his parents. They were impressed with his detailed drawings, as well as the concentration and imagination he showed. However, they disapproved of his macabre themes of death, killing, and war. They found them disturbing. They took him to a psychiatrist, believing him to be troubled.

Minnie enjoyed lying on the floor in Mason's room, drawing on her little pad with her crayons while he sketched. One day Mason's mother noticed them together and took Minnie by the hand, concerned about the influence her rebellious son would have on his little sister. "You're not the artist type," she asserted. "Why don't you come play a game with me?"

Silently, she despaired for her son. She wished he would find more valuable things to do with his time than isolate himself with a sketch book, drawing what looked like storyboards for horror films. Although she didn't say it aloud, he saw her disapproving messages through her body language and facial expressions. "Artist," he thinks. "So that's what I am...messy...loner...moody."

As a teenager, Mason wrecked the family car, abused drugs, and hung out with kids who got in trouble. His parents threatened and punished him, made rules he didn't follow. They even made plans to send him to a boarding school. Mason created his place in the family and in school as "the difficult one." It distinguished him from his sisters, giving him a big share of his parents' and teachers' energy and attention, even if it worked in a negative way.

Now that the story line was written for each child, the adults unwittingly did their part to reinforce the decisions each child was making. Although the children's decisions weren't conscious, they shaped their personalities as they worked to define each of their roles in life. What character did you create for yourself in your play of life?

Dan's story: an only child

If you're an only child you may be wondering, "What about me? I didn't have siblings to help form my personality!" Maybe you will relate to Dan's story.

When Dan crawled upon the stage of life, he joined a couple who had waited until their mid-thirties to become parents. He was their first child, and would be their last. His father was a well-established attorney, and his mother had just quit her advertising job to be home with Dan full-time. He was the only grandchild, and his every tooth, step, smile, word, and deed was captured in albums, on video tape, and in scrapbooks. Mother did most everything for him including the cooking, housekeeping, laundry, packing his school lunch, and hanging up his clothes. He loved to watch sports on television with his dad. As he grew up, he pursued basketball, baseball, karate, tennis, and fencing. His parents had the money to buy the equipment, his mother had the time to drive him around to practices and games, and both parents had time to attend his matches. His trophies lined the shelves of the family room.

What do you think Dan decided? What would you decide in the same circumstances? "I can do/have whatever I want. I'm the most important person in the world to others. I get all the attention. Others do for me. Life will provide. Life is orderly and safe."

If you were an only child, like a first born you entered an adults only world. But like a last-born, you were never dethroned by a new sibling. You had your own space and your own possessions, so you may find it difficult to share or to not have things your own way. If you decided that the road to belonging was paved with adult behavior, you may have become super responsible, achievement oriented, independent, self-sufficient, and set high standards for yourself, like eldest children tend to do. But because there were no siblings competing for your parents' attention and family resources, you may have gotten used to being the center of attention. If, like many youngest children, you had everything done for you, you may not have developed skills for independence. You might have felt incompetent, comparing yourself to the capable grown-ups around you. In your discouragement you might have decided you were helpless and dependent. What you decided depends largely on how your parents treated you, since there were no siblings to help you fit into the family and the world. The motto of the only child is "I'm the one and only and I'm special."

When children come of age

In your adulthood, many of the beliefs you formed early on still serve you well. They lead you to success, to meet the requirements of any situation. Yet at other times those same decisions may create problems for you. You may be missing out on options you don't realize you have. This happens if you take the beliefs you formed in childhood to the extreme or think in terms of absolutes.

What would happen if Dan, accustomed to being the one and only important person, grew up and married Minnie, who was the family social butterfly? He probably would end up unhappy, looking for ways to feel special. Perhaps he'd spend a lot of time playing sports as a way of maintaining his uniqueness and sense of belonging. And what would Minnie do if he complained about her being too social? She would probably feel unloved and misunderstood, and spend more time with people who enjoyed her as she was.

Imagine Minnie growing up and having children. She'd be playful and childlike, but might have a difficult time keeping up with the household chores and other responsibilities of parenthood. She could hire a housekeeper if she could afford to or hope her husband would take care of her and the children. Without someone looking out for her, she would feel both overwhelmed and resentful. Minnie might look for places where her social skills could be appreciated, heading up committees and fund raisers.

Or, what would happen to Mason as an adult? He could end up in jail and become an addict, or he could find an outlet for his artistic gifts. He would need to realize that his problem behaviors were a response to his need to find a special place for himself in the family and not some deep-seated psychological disturbance.

Mary, who eventually became an attorney, was used to pressure and juggling a lot of balls at one time. She was able to approach her anxious clients and the paralegals who assisted her with the same confident attitude she'd learned as a child playing "mother" to her younger siblings. Yet, some situations were inexplicably upsetting to cool, capable Mary. When the pressure was on to learn something new, she felt anxious and lost sleep. She was angry having to add a skill to her repertoire and she worried that she wouldn't be good enough to pass the test. If Mary didn't think she was first in her field, she would work relentlessly to keep the spot she had forged for herself. She feared a loss of prestige and love if she didn't measure up to her own high standards. This set her apart from her colleagues, who found Mary to be standoffish and unfriendly. They didn't enjoy spending time with her away from work, not that Mary had much time to play.

Do you identify with the adults in our scenarios? Did the decisions you made as a child help you or hurt you as an adult? Do you know that you can change your decisions now?

Variations on the theme

If you found that the description of others of your same birth order don't fit very well for you, it's because you gave your own unique meanings to what and who surrounded you in your early years. No two eldest children are exactly the same, nor are two middles or two youngest.

If you are a firstborn pursued and passed up by a second born, you may have become discouraged, giving up the place of responsible achiever to your younger sibling. Perhaps the typical characteristics of a second or middle child suit you better.

You may be a middle child and identify with the characteristics of a first born or the youngest in the family. If you came from a large family with large gaps between children or from a blended family, your family may have included several different "constellations." While only one child was the chronological eldest, perhaps the oldest of a second group of children coming three or four years after the birth of the youngest, has the characteristics of a typical first born (what we would call a "psychological eldest"). Large age gaps could also have created the influences of an only or youngest child position for one of you who was born somewhere in the middle.

The invitation to stay dependent upon overprotective parents and siblings can be refused. Many youngest children decide to run as fast as they can to catch up with "the big kids," insisting on doing things for themselves, growing up to be dynamic go-getters. Maybe you're a youngest child who was given opportunities to learn skills and were expected to participate, so that you developed self-reliance and grew up to be responsible and capable.

When examining your birth order's influence on your personality, it's important not to leave out children who died in childhood, stillborn children, or even miscarriages. Parents often react to a death or miscarriage by being extremely protective of their surviving children. Their attitude impacts your decisions about yourself and life. In the process of deciding whether and how you can be "good enough," you might find it impossible to compete with a ghost for a sibling.

The possible conclusions each child can make are limitless. Each of us is unique. It's this creative ability that accounts for the incredible variety we experience among human beings. The "family pie" exercise in the Activities section at the end of this chapter will help you clarify how you interpreted your birth order position and decided that you are special. It will help you recognize how your birth order is still part of who you are and how you relate to others.

Living in awareness and acceptance

Now that you're aware of some of the influences of your childhood decisions about yourself, others, and life, you may be discovering what some of those decisions were. You might be thinking, "What a jerk I've been!" or "How stupid I am," or maybe, "What's the problem with that?" and pass instant judgment on yourself or your "traits." It is important to remember that when you adopted these convictions, you were a child trying to figure out how to belong in your family and how to be special. Considering your lack of life experience and perspective, it's inevitable that you would make some mistakes. Those decisions, even ones that now seem erroneous, helped you to get through childhood.

If you grew up in an abusive situation it was probably wise "not to make any waves." However, not expressing any complaints could invite problems for you in relationships today. With an adult perspective, you can develop empathy and compassion for that "little child." Your child within you did the best he or she could. As you examine which decisions are helpful to you in your life today (and which are inviting problems), don't be too quick to rewrite them. As you increase your awareness, remember to work on self-acceptance. Acceptance means knowing that you're a worthwhile human being in spite of your faults. With acceptance, you can look at how being special brings you successes and any subsequent difficulties. Acceptance means recognizing the reality of what is. Without acceptance, true change isn't possible.

Lynn Lott, Riki Intner and Barbara Mendenhall. Franklin Lakes, NJ: Career Press, 1999.