In today's busy families, routines can be the glue that holds your family together. Taking the time to create routines with your children can save you hours and hours of frustration and pain. This section shows you how to set up some common routines. As we say in the section, "the long-range benefits of routines are security, a calmer atmosphere, trust, and life skills for children."  

Positive Discipline A-Z

Routines

Children need routines. Some parents think routines destroy spontaneity. In fact, when a family has routines, the members usually have a lot more spontaneity and creativity. Without routines, most families experience chaos instead of spontaneity. Once routines are firmly in place, there is time for the family members to enjoy their freedom within them. If you think of routines as the railing at the edge of a cliff or the guardrails on a bridge, you can see how without them there is insecurity and with them there is freedom of movement.

Children enjoy routines and respond favorably to them. The younger the child, the more comfortable they are with routine. Picture the preschooler who is used to crackers and milk before story time trying to adjust when a substitute teacher changes the order. Once routines are in place, the routine is the boss and the parent doesn't have to give orders continually.

To set up routines, pick a time when everyone is relaxed or discuss the issue at a family meeting. It is important for all family members to be involved in developing the routines. Focus on one problem at a time. Ask for everyone's ideas. Use limited choices when an idea is not appropriate. For example, if your child says, "I don't want to do it at all," give a limited choice, such as, "You may do it before breakfast or before dinner or decide on another time. Not doing it at all isn't one of the choices."

Make visual aids to help the family remember the routines you have created together, such as charts and lists. It can be fun to use a kitchen timer and play "Beat the Clock" in completing the routine. When everyone agrees on the new routine, practice it through role playing. Finally, follow through to implement the routine with action in a firm and kind manner. Refer to the chart or list, or ask, "What was our agreement?" Resist rescuing and lecturing.

Another tip for setting up routines is to have a deadline. When planning the routine, work backward from the deadline to figure out how much time is needed to accomplish the task. For instance, if you want to have housecleaning done by 2 P.M. on Sunday so the family can have time for an outing, think through what the tasks are, how long they will take, and when everyone needs to start.

Notice that most routines involve the whole family. Children cooperate better when everyone works together instead of parents handing kids lists of chores to complete. Establishing routines is key to eliminating all those hassles about bedtime, mornings, mealtime, homework, shopping, and chores (all of these are covered in Part 2). Following are some typical routines and how family members can participate in them together.

Housecleaning

Pick a time each week to clean the house together. Each family member can choose one or two rooms to clean or one or two activities, such as dusting, vacuuming, or cleaning sinks. If everyone works together, you'll be amazed at how little time it takes to clean the house.

Meal Planning and Preparation

List the jobs-perhaps one person cooks, another assists, another sets the table, and another cleans up. During a family meeting, each person chooses at least one night for each of the jobs. Make a meal chart, where the cook lists what he or she wants to prepare for each meal. Use this chart to make a grocery list to make sure the needed ingredients are purchased in advance.

Grocery Shopping

Use the grocery list you've prepared together. Before leaving for the store, let each family member choose from the master list the items they want to find. Go to the store and let each person find the items on their lists. Meet at the checkout counter. When you return home, carry in the items and put them away together.

Laundry

All family members have a laundry basket in their room and their own day of the week for doing laundry. Teach all children six years of age and older how to run the washer and dryer. Let older children help younger children carry clothes back to their rooms and put them away. Stay out of your children's drawers-if they choose to stuff their clothes in without folding, that is their choice. Give yourself a break and stop doing for children what they can do for themselves.

Bath Time

Let reticent bathers know that it is not a choice to bathe, but that they can choose the days and time. When it is time for their bath. firmly but kindly remind them of their agreement and give them a choice: would they like you to turn off all distractions such as television, video games, and computers, or do they want to do it? It may help to give them an egg timer to set ten minutes before bath time-again, so they can share the power and control. Let children who never want to get out of the tub decide, using limited choices, if the bath should be fifteen or twenty minutes long, and if they will open the drain or if you will. Make bath time fun. Let the kids have special toys they can only use in the tub. Anything that squirts or pours water is usually a lot of fun. Plan enough time for children to play in the tub while you supervise.

Brushing Teeth

When children are young, they need your help to brush their teeth. Do it with them and help them floss. As they get older, add tooth brushing to the list of activities they do before school and before bed. You may also use reminders, like "I want you to brush your teeth," since children may not see or share your concern. Some families establish a routine of everyone brushing together just before bedtime.

If your children resist brushing teeth, instead of nagging have the dentist use a fluoride treatment regularly to help prevent decay. It is better to treat tooth decay than live with power struggles. Using bribery or punishment is disrespectful. Many dentists and hygienists will take time to talk to your children about dental hygiene to help you out. Trust that brushing teeth will become more important to your children as they mature.

Quiet Time

You have a right to quiet time, and it is okay to expect your children to entertain themselves for a while. You could schedule a one-hour rest after lunch as an opportunity for you to have time to yourself and for your kids to play quietly in their rooms. Do not insist that children sleep during quiet times, but ask that they respect other people's need for space. Encourage your children to have some quiet time without television, music, or video games, to develop an inner life of reflection.

These are just a few examples of how some families have set up routines. Be realistic-routines may not work perfectly at first. Children who are used to behaving in certain ways need time before they believe their parents mean what they say. Remember, it is human nature to resist change, even when we want it or know it is good for us. When we understand this, we can keep following the planned routine until the resistance ends.

Once in place, a routine may work automatically for years. With younger children, the earlier you start, the more they think a routine is just the way things are. Routines help eliminate power struggles and give all family members ways to belong and contribute to the family. The long-range benefits of routines are security, a calmer atmosphere, trust, and life skills for children. Children learn to focus on doing what needs to be done. They learn to be responsible for their own behavior, to "take pride in being capable, and to cooperate in the family.

Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott and H. S. Glenn. Three Rivers Press, New York, 3rd edition, 2007.