Positive Discipline for Parenting in Recovery

Read Lynn's interview of a mother and daughter about recovery I chose this excerpt because so many of the parents and teens I work with in my counseling practice have a difficult time communicating when the subject of drugs comes up. Why is that? Because drugs is such a scary subject for parents and when parents are afraid, they react by being controlling. The result of parents’ efforts to control is to create a chasm between them and their teens. Hopefully, the stories in this excerpt will encourage you to narrow that gap.

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Excerpt from Positive Discipline for Parenting in Recoveryby Nelsen, Intner, and Lott, 2007

Talking with Teens about Drugs

Teenagers are not kids anymore, but they’re not adults, either. Talking with them about drugs requires respect and clarity. In their book Positive Discipline for Teenagers (Three Rivers Press: New York, 2000, available at www.empoweringpeople.com ). Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott include a chapter on talking to teens about drugs. We recommend reading that chapter in addition to the information contained here.

We have found that a "Just say no" approach is ineffective and disrespectful at this age because it doesn’t teach kids to think. Teenagers tell us the “Just say no” approach helped in elementary school, but that they laugh at it now. Honesty, openness, a nonjudgmental attitude, and sharing information go a lot farther with teenagers, as the following examples shows.

Frank and Emily met in recovery, married and had a son, Randy. When Randy was born, Frank and Emily agreed to be open and honest about their past chemical abuse. They believed Randy would be at greater risk to become an addict or to marry one and they wanted him to be prepared for whatever might happen. They both worked their programs, went to meetings, read and shared, had friends in recovery around and took Randy to meetings.

Randy grew up knowing the language, symptoms and dangers of chemical abuse. He talked often with his parents and seemed clear that mood altering chemicals weren't for him. They supported his decision but also knew, and let him know, that in adolescence he might change his mind. They wanted him to know that if he did, the lines of communication would still be open.

At 15 Randy still hadn't tried any mood altering substances but he was feeling curious. Several of his friends drank beer and they didn't seem to have any problems. Actually they seemed to have a good time laughing and telling jokes. All his life he had heard about all the terrible problems people had from drinking and using drugs. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal after all.

Randy mentioned this to Frank who replied, "So, you're thinking of trying some alcohol?" Randy said, "I don't know. I'm just curious I guess. The other kids don't seem to have big problems."

His Dad replied, "That may be, but everyone is different. It may not be the same for you even though I hope it won't be a problem. I hope that if you do decide to try alcohol that we can talk about it."

"Okay, but I haven't decided I will." Randy said.

Next Friday night, Randy went out with his buddies. One of them had gotten a couple of six packs. This time when they offered Randy a beer he took it. He noticed a strange feeling of apprehension, and then he felt warm and comfortable. He continued to drink.

The next thing he knew he was at home and it was morning. He couldn't remember how he had gotten home or much of what had happened the previous evening. He was frightened. He called his friend and found out he had a seemingly good time and had gotten a ride home. His friend was puzzled to hear that Randy couldn't remember.

Randy told his parents he wanted to talk with them. He told them what had happened. Emily began to cry. Frank said, "It sounds like you had a blackout. That's a sign that you're an alcoholic. It usually doesn't happen that fast but it can. What do you think?"

"That's what I was afraid of." Randy continued, "It was just like you had described it to me and it scared me. I guess I get to go to meetings for me now. I think that would be best. I don't want my life to have to fall a part for me before I learn. I've learned that from you guys." Emily hugged him and Randy said, "It's all alright, I always knew this could happen. You helped me prepare for this.” (This story sounds too good to be true, but it’s based on real life clients whose names have been changed.)

Honest and open communication made a big difference with Randy. In the following story, Babs also experienced getting a lot of help from her mother because her mother was so open and nonjudgmental.

Dialogue with a 16 Year Old Girl

Babs, a 16-year-old junior in high school liked to go out on weekends. Her mother, Susan had been in recovery for over a year. Although her mother worried about teen drug and alcohol use, she and Susan have worked on honest communication in recovery and have developed a good relationship even though they don't always see things the same.

Babs came home from school on Thursday and told her mother that she'd been invited to a party that Friday night and she wanted to go. "All the kids in her group were going." Susan asked where the party was and did Babs think there would be drinking going on. Babs told her mother which friend was having the party, hesitated for a moment and answered, "Yes, some of the guys are getting a keg."

Susan told Babs she needed a little while to think about it and would get back to her by dinner time. Susan's first thought was "No, I don't want you to go and be around that." She thought about what might happen if she told Babs that she couldn't go. They'd probably have a fight. She knew she could handle that but if her daughter really wanted to go she might sneak out the window. Worse, the next time this came up Babs might lie to her. Maybe she'd tell her mother she was going to a girlfriend's and go to the party. Communication would be shut down, Susan could lose her ability to have input and lose her opportunity to have influence with her daughter. If she sneaked out and something happened at the party, Babs might feel she couldn't call her mother for help. Susan thought about her daughter. She had faith in her ability to make good decisions but she also had concerns. As soon as they sat down at the table, Babs asked if she could go. Susan shared, "It scares me to have you go."

"Oh, Mom," Babs began.

"Please let me finish. Things might get out of control. Some kids might drink too much and get sick or drive. I'm afraid you could get hurt or worse, you might get raped."

"Mom! Really."

"Well, it scares me. It probably won't happen but I'll feel better if you know that at this age your hormones are out of whack and when you add some alcohol to that, guys who usually behave one way may behave another. What would you do if that happened?"

"Mom, you worry too much."

"Do you feel that you can handle being there?"

Babs paused. Then she said, "Yes, I can handle it."

"Okay, I trust your judgment. I want you to know that if it feels unsafe at any time or if you've had enough and need a ride home you can call and I'll pick you up." Babs got up and gave her mother a big hug.

Saturday morning when Babs came down to breakfast, Susan asked her how the party went. Babs said, "It was okay. The guys got sick and spent most of the night throwing up with the girls taking care of them."

"Oh, that doesn't sound like much fun."

"It wasn't," Babs said. "I don't know why people think parties are such a big deal. I'd rather go to a movie."

There is no substitute for open, non-critical communication with teens. When we give teenagers the opportunity to live their lives and to learn from their experiences, they will give us the opportunity to be there for guidance and support.

Parents have more life experience and a broader perspective than their teens. When you have the courage to share your fears, even though your kids might dismiss them, you have raised their awareness of the issues and let them know it's okay to talk about anything.

Dialogue with a 17 Year Old Boy

Sometimes teens can hear one concern more clearly than others. Here’s an example.

Mom: Alan, I notice that you've been gaining weight. I can guess how much drinking you've been doing by looking at your belly.

Alan: Is it that noticeable?

Mom: Alan, I know that how you look is really important to you. You dress real sharp, you spend hours on your hair, you lift weights and you look in the mirror every chance you get. If you continue to drink as much beer as you do, it isn't going to improve your appearance, and yes, the beer belly is noticeable.

Alan shrugged and walked away. Several months later Alan asked his mom is she noticed anything different. Mom said she noticed that Alan was doing less drinking.

"You mean, I don't have a beer belly anymore?" asked Alan.

"I mean, you hardly have a beer belly anymore and I can tell you're working on correcting that. Good for you."

Alan grinned and walked away whistling.

With teens sometimes you need to say certain things, not because your kids will go out and do what you say, but because they'll think about it and they need the information. You present them with another picture and it sticks in their mind. When they're ready, they can hear your words and it makes a difference. The following conversation is from the heart and loaded with useful information that kids will probably remember when they need it.

Dad: I want to talk to you about something because I see you and a lot of your friends ruining your bodies and self-respect over alcohol.

Son: Are you going to start in about drinking again? We just like kicking back. There's nothing else to do anyway. You and Mom drink, so what's the big deal. I wouldn't have any fun at a dance or a party if I'm the only straight person there.

Dad: I notice that a lot of your friends are becoming addicted to drugs, and that's not cool. I think sometimes you think when you're drunk that you're fun and clever and popular. Being around a drunk is really a drag after awhile. I think you kids have a lot of insecurities and fears and you use alcohol to hide them and mask them. All it does is take you away from the life you want to live. When you're using, you show no respect for yourself or other people in your life.

Son: Dad, everyone drinks. You're just being uptight.

Dad: I wish you loved yourself and your body enough to stop using and worked on getting a life instead. Using as much as you and your friends do is extremely risky. You're building habits you may find hard to change. Also, you're developing a tolerance for alcohol. That's very dangerous. It seems like you never have a day without being under the influence. Many people whose lives have become unmanageable because of drugs started off just that way. They didn't sit down and say, "I think I'll become an alcoholic." They did what you are doing and before they knew it, they destroyed friendships, family, morals and self-respect. If I could make you stop, I would, but I know that you're the one who has to decide that. I don't intend to pretend that what you are doing is okay. I hope you'll think about the things I'm saying and consider them.

Son: Well, I'm not going to stop partying. I think you worry too much. It's okay, Dad. Lighten up!

This father knows that what kids do today is not necessarily what they'll do tomorrow. He trusts the delayed reaction that often happens with this age group. As long as the father operates on the principals of mutual respect, he can trust that the lines of communication will stay open and that he can continue to have an influence with his son.

Jane Nelsen, Riki Intner and Lynn Lott. 2006.

Lynn's interview of a mother and daughter about recovery

In my work with addicts and those who care about them, I’m always curious as to what that magic moment is when someone decides to get into recovery. There’s a lot written about addicts hitting bottom and co-dependents trying to “help” them get clean and sober. There are many opinions as to what works and what doesn’t. I thought I’d go right to the source and interview a mother and daughter, asking each of them what were the things that influenced the decision to get into recovery or the things the parent did that she thought turned her daughter around. I wondered if there would be any overlap. What follows is my interview with each. Occasionally, I’ll put some of my thoughts in parenthesis, but mostly you will be reading an unedited version (except for names) of what each person had to say. Hopefully, by reading what each had to say, whether you are addicted to a substance or “addicted” to getting someone into recovery, you’ll find some help and insight.

Mom started off sharing what she did to help her daughter Caroline get into recovery and stay there.

1. I was always there for her, sometimes too much, but I was always available when she reached out.

2. I would go up and down about being enabling. I’d enable for awhile till I reached my limit. Then I’d be very kind and firm and follow through. For example, the first time she was living with us, we were feeling like prisoners in our own home because of her obnoxious behavior. One day I told her, “The next time you behave this way, your clothes will be on the front porch and the locks will be changed.” She did the behavior again and I followed through, adding a letter that said, “Let me know when you’re willing to go into treatment.” She lived on the street for a week and then she called me and I took her to lunch and then to a treatment center. (This is most parents’ worst fear that their loved one will be living on the street….forever if they set a limit and follow through. Notice that Caroline spent a week there and then decided treatment was better than a life on the street.)

3. Here’s another time I put my foot down. She called and wanted a first and last payment for an apartment. I said no and she got so furious she threatened to report me to Oprah. She also compared me to her dad. I didn’t take it personally.

4. I got support from friends and reading the book Positive Discipline for Parenting in Recovery to know what to do. The support system was so valuable.

5. At a workshop I attended, I volunteered to role play the parent whose daughter was taking advantage of her. The person role playing the daughter said all the things my daughter has said to me, like, “Can’t I just come and sleep on the couch?” Playing the parent, I said, “No, Honey. I love you and the answer is no.” It was so helpful to hear what the person who played the daughter said at the end of the role play. She said, “I felt more loved when I couldn’t take advantage of you than when I could.”

6. When my daughter had children, I knew she was using and she knew I knew, and still I didn’t cut her off. I kept telling her over and over, “Caroline, you’re a diamond in the rough. I know who you are. If you would use all your intelligence in things that were useful, you could be a CEO.” This went on over many, many years.

7. I was always hoping for the best. I’d get fooled into thinking she was doing better. I bought a house that she and her husband could live in, and told them that if they missed payments, I’d sell the house. They paid regularly for about 6-7 months. When they quit paying for 4 months, I said they had to move, and they did.

8. We always invited them to family events even though they’d show up and sneak off to smoke and drink. We kind of knew that but didn’t do anything about that.

9. Having kids helped them a lot, but they were still addicts. I would always tell them what great parents they were. They refused to get a divorce because they didn’t want to put their kids through that. I said, “It is so interesting to me that you’d refuse to get a divorce but you’d keep using.” I planted seeds this way and I know they germinated.

10. They’d stay with me for a week and I’d do counseling with them, even though they didn’t follow much of it. When their son was in an accident that his father caused because of drunk driving, I let Caroline come stay with me for 2 weeks. It was an opportunity to spend time together. It gave Caroline a chance to get out of the environment, which always helped her.

11. This last year things really speeded up. Her father bought them a house. When he died, I volunteered to buy it from his widow so I’d have the hassles rather than her. They didn’t make more than 2 payments in a whole year. Caroline hit bottom and was suicidal, and I drove down, no questions asked, and I picked her up. I sat there, she started to cry, and she said, “I want to go home with you.” I put her in the car and drove her home. I’d signed up for a self esteem workshop and I invited her to go. She said she wanted to go. We were together for 4 days before the workshop and we drove together. She stopped smoking. We spent 7 days at the workshop. She had an attitude shift. There was give and take. She wasn’t resistant. She was helping herself. She listened to Carolyn Mace CD’s. We went home and I warned her that though she had changed, her husband would try to bring her down when she got home. He did and she fell again.

12. I invited her to the workshop follow up (each workshop was $2000 which I paid). She did and heard that a person needed to take full responsibility for what they create. She really heard that. She wasn’t as cooperative, but she still learned a lot. I made it clear, “I’ve been willing to spend money and time with you. I have faith in you. I love you. But if I find that you ever lie to me again, I’ll love you, but I’ll be done having a relationship with you. And I’ve spent a lot of money trying to help and if it doesn’t work, I’m done and I won’t rescue you again.” I knew I had a big attitude shift that I knew I was done enabling. I think she could tell the difference, too.

13. Things got really bad between her and her husband. She was suicidal again. I drove over (7 hours) because she wanted me to come. She was willing to have me come and I was there for 3 days and spent a lot of time with her building on all the stuff she had learned. She was willing and open. We got to have the conversation about her attitude about me getting a divorce. I said, “I figured out why you have such a problem with that even though your brothers didn’t, because you were a spoiled brat.” She agreed. She had no self worth, but when I was there she was willing to listen to me. I told her, “You’re crawling and go ahead and crawl. I’ve done it in my lifetime. Just do it till your done doing it.” I think that was a big shift.

14. She’s very open to feedback and I’m very honest with her. When she got a job, I’d follow her to work and would tell her, “When I see how upbeat you are and enthusiastic, I wish you could be that way with your kids.”

15. When she and her husband were fighting over who would get the kids, I said, “Don’t expect me to take sides. If you fight, neither of you will get the kids. I’ll tell everyone about your drug use.”

16. I talked to her about the difference between a decision and a promise. She said she had made a decision and asked me to drug test her so she could prove to me she was done. She said if she was ever resistant or resentful, I’d know she was using again.

17. I am happy to help her when she helps herself. I reduced her $800/month rent to 300/month. She makes $1200/month. She’s cleaning up her house. She’s excited about not having bills. I said I’d buy the paint if she paints. I told her I’d buy carpet and drywall if she puts it in. It feels like teamwork and not enabling.

Caroline agreed to the interview and was very open. When asked what her mother did that helped her get into recovery, she told the following story.

It’s been a struggle all my life. I was at the end of my ropes when I tried to take all those pills I did and end it all. When I decided I couldn’t go that way, I’d have to go the other way and work at this. Just because everybody thought I couldn’t, especially my husband Steve, I wanted to prove everybody wrong. (That’s some pretty big motivation!) It helped a lot having Steve out of the house. I’m not blaming him, but he was a big part of it. I was starving for love and I’d get false love when we were getting loaded together, meaning he’d talk to me, listen to me, want to be with me, sex was big part of it, more for him, mostly the attention I was getting from him was what I was seeking. (This is a very honest statement of the “purpose” of Caroline’s drug use. She used drugs to solve a problem, namely how to get her husband to show her “love.”)

I’ve actually wanted and tried to be clean and sober for the past 10 years. We’ve done geographical moves to get away from this shit, but he’d always find a connection wherever we’d go. We would move to a new location, and since our addictions were different (he could do it a couple times and stop, I couldn’t stop once I’d start doing it), so he’d find a connection and deep down inside I’d want to, too. I still wasn’t done. Moving doesn’t change that. What changed my life more than anything was going to a self esteem workshop (here’s where Mom and Caroline finally overlap) because the things I learned there were things like everything is perfect as it is. I’m a good person not a bad person.

(Co-dependents, listen up! This is for you!!!!) You can’t tell somebody that they’re killing themselves because they don’t care. You can’t tell somebody that their life will be better because they can’t see it. You can’t force somebody to quit. It’s impossible. You can’t threaten them, cut them off, anything. It’s got to come from within.

At the workshop I spent time with my mom, did this meditation where you have this guardian angel and my mom was my guardian angel. I finally realized that and took it to heart and hit rock bottom and decided to go back to the place. I decided my mom is my guiding light so talk to her and be honest. She has helped me so much you have no idea. The honesty with myself and being honest completely with her was key. (Once an addict decides to get sober, having a person in their life who can listen without judgment while still sharing his or her thoughts or feelings seems to be invaluable.) Listening to her feedback without any judgment on my part or her part was key. I was falling apart at the seams 2 months ago. I was a complete and total wreck. I don’t know what changed in me. (She really does know what changed in her, because she told us what effect the self-esteem workshop had. Yet like anyone, insights are easily forgotten. That’s okay, because the awareness and self-acceptance triggers the changes needed to move on.)

Caroline said this to parents: good luck. You can’t put a price on it. You can’t put a time zone on it. You can’t put a time limit on it. The thought of losing my family, my kids who I love and adore, my husband who I want to stay married to, the thought of losing that was too much to bear, so that was my major turn-around. I was getting kicked out. (Here’s another big factor in Caroline’s decision to get sober. She truly believed that she was getting kicked out of her home by her husband.) My life was falling apart before my eyes. Honestly it was turning around. Steve was moving out and that has been key. If Steve was in the house it would be so much more difficult. Forcing someone into treatment doesn’t work.

What made me open to go to a self esteem workshop with my mom was the realization that I was caught and that I could no longer go on. Addicts want to do what they’re going to do. I had a secret plan to kill myself. I didn’t tell anybody, because people who want to kill themselves don’t tell anybody. And somehow Steve came home and looked in my eyes and he knew. (Some of you reading this may not have been so fortunate as to have a person call you for help before it was too late.) He called my mom and said, “Get your ass down here now!” This was the moment of my surrender! I gave up to my mom, my husband and my addiction. I didn’t really want to kill myself. I didn’t want to be a drug addict. I didn’t think I could ever quit. I couldn’t do what I was doing and I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be a single mom. I didn’t want to be with visitation rights. I didn’t want to do that to my kids. I figured everybody would be better off, because they weren’t better off the way I was.

What’s amazing to me is that I can do this interview without crying. It’s triumphant! It came to me that there was another possibility when my mom said pack your bags and I said that I was already packed. All kinds of things came together at the right time. It’s gotta come from within the person. There’s nothing she could have done unless I had it within!!!!! (Once again, co-dependents, Caroline is talking to you!!)

My mom could have been here to pick me up that day and I could have stayed pissed off. My mom’s been doing this for 20 years. Why now? I think the $3500 my mom spent on a self esteem workshop was money well spent, but still it could have been money wasted. It’s gotta be the person. It’s gotta be from within!!! It can’t be anybody else. Others can help. I’ve got to be willing to accept, not get pissed off, go back to my own ways.

I hit bottom on April Fools Day! Until I made the decision, it wouldn’t work at all. Once you’re ready, if you have somebody like my mom around, look out world.

To stay with Steve, he’d have to get his shit together, talk openly, accept feedback, take responsibility, adore me for who I am, and not spend money foolishly. He’s super cute. The way he was raised has a great deal to do with it. His mom was broke and she’d take them to get $100 hair cuts. They’d spend money foolishly when they had it not thinking of the future. Not his fault, but now it is because he is no longer being raised by her. I’m not gonna settle because I’m too happy now.