How many times do we hear parents of teens say that their kids don't hear a word they say? This section explains what is really going on when adults and teens "communicate," and how to make sure that communication is truly a two-way street. If you are frustrated with the lack of connection with your teen, this information can turn your life around.  

Positive Discipline for Teenagers

Communication Skills

Do you and your teenager really listen to each other? What happens to all those words you use? Why won't your teen use more words and talk to you? Would your teen talk to you more if he or she felt listened to, understood, and taken seriously? In this chapter, we show you how to communicate in a way that both you and your teen feel listened to and understood.

DOES YOUR TEENAGER HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY?

Even though listening is the primary ingredient of communication, it is the least developed skill. When parents ask, "Why won't my child listen to me?" we ask, "Do you model for your child what listening is all about? In other words, do you listen first?"

So much has been written and said about listening that most people are aware of what it takes to listen well. However, most are not aware of why listening is so difficult to do. Simply put, listening is difficult because issues keep getting in the way. People usually take everything they hear personally; they want to defend their positions, explain, correct, retaliate, or tell a better story. Parents especially get extremely "ego-involved" with their kids-that is, they take things very personally, because they think they may not be good enough parents. You might want to tape a copy of the following list on your bathroom mirror and read it every day until you overcome the ways you interrupt the listening process:

Barriers to Listening

1. Stepping in to fix or rescue so you can be a good parent, rather than listening as your teens try to figure things out for themselves;
2. Trying to talk teens out of their feelings or perceptions so they'll have the "right" perceptions and feelings;
3. Giving defensive explanations about your point of view;
4. Interrupting to teach lessons on morality or values;
5. Taking what teens say personally, and letting your own unresolved issues get in the way;
6. Using what your teens say against them to punish, criticize, call names, and lecture.

By rearranging the letters in the word listen, you can find a primary key to good listening: silent. Be silent when listening, because you can't talk and listen at the same time. We know how hard it is to be silent while listening. It takes tremendous self discipline. It means giving up the temptation to engage in any or all of the six barriers to listening, especially the first one. It's very hard to realize that your kids often don't need solutions-they simply need to be listened to, understood, and taken. seriously. That's all!

A group of teens were invited to create a list of the top ten tips to help parents communicate better. They came up with more than 25 tips. Here are some of our favorites.

TEENS' ADVICE TO PARENTS ON HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION

1. No lectures.
2. Make it short and sweet.
3. Talk everything out honestly.
4. Compromise.
5. Don't talk down to us.
6. Listen to us-don't talk over us.
7. Don't repeat yourself.
8. If we have the guts to tell you what we did wrong, don't be mad and don't overreact.
9. Don't pry or give us the third degree.
10. Skip the 20 questions.
11. Don't yell from a different room and expect us to come running.
12. Don't try to make us feel guilty by saying things like, "I did it because you couldn't find the time."
13. Don't make promises you can't keep.
14. Don't compare us with siblings or friends.
15. Don't talk to our friends about us.

Of course, there are times when it's appropriate to work on solutions with your teens. Later in this chapter we give suggestions on communicating for solutions. But first we cover some of the fine points about simply listening to your teens in order to understand them.

Skills to Help You Be Silent and Listen for Understanding

The following skills are effective only when you are sincerely interested in understanding the world of your teenagers and are willing to respect their reality.

1. The feeling behind what you do is more important than what you actually do. Being silent while you are reading the paper or thinking about something else doesn't count. Effective listening requires wide open body language to indicate your interest.
2. Have respect for separate realities. Be open to the fact that there is more than one way of seeing things.
3. Show empathy. ("I can understand why you might feel that way or see it that way.")
4. Be curious enough to try understanding your teen's point of view. Being curious means that if you do open your mouth, it's to ask questions that will invite more information from your teen. For example, "How did that make you feel? What about that was important to you? Could you give me an example of when I made you so angry? How often do I do that? Is there anything else that is bothering you? The last question ("Is there anything else that is bothering you?") is one that deserves more exploration. Many parents have shared with us that remembering to ask that particular question again and again has done more to help them get into their teen's world and understand core issues than anything else they have done.

"Anything Else?" Working on Your Attitude of Curiosity

An important skill for demonstrating curiosity is to keep asking, "Is there anything else?" Too often, parents react to the first bit of information they get, although it usually isn't even close to the key issue. You discover the core issues and feelings when you avoid the temptation to respond to the surface information and instead keep asking this key question. There are many ways to ask: "Is there anything else about that that bothered you? Is there anything else you want to say about that? Is there any other reason you can think of? Is there any other information you could give me to help me understand?"

Use your creativity, but keep being curious enough to elicit more and more information. It may seem awkward and phony at first, but keep practicing. Once you get over feeling clumsy, it will become more spontaneous. You'll find yourself being truly curious and interested.

Adele shared the following story about her thirteen year old. While she and her daughter were visiting a friend, Adele volunteered her daughter to help the friend with some baby-sitting. However, she neglected to check with her daughter first, a point her daughter had raised on numerous occasions. Adele meant to be more sensitive to her daughter's needs, but sometimes she forgot. On the way home, she noticed that her daughter was sullen and moody, so she asked, "What's wrong?" Her daughter said angrily, "Nothing. You're just being your usual self. You volunteer my services without asking me."

Although Adele realized she had made a mistake, she could tell that her daughter needed some space before hearing any apologies. Therefore, Adele decided to wait and continue the conversation later. That evening she asked her daughter if she could sit on her bed for awhile. She said, "I don't care," so Adele sat down and began stroking her daughter's hair. Tears ran down her daughter's cheek as Adele said, "Sometimes life can be so difficult and sometimes one doesn't feel understood." After a few minutes she added, "I'm sorry that I was disrespectful of you by volunteering you for a job without asking you first. I made a mistake."

"It's not just that, Mom," she added.

"What then?" Adele asked.

"I felt too embarrassed to say no."

"Anything else?"

"I don't know how I can get my schoolwork done if I baby-sit after school."

"I don't like to baby-sit her kids because they are so difficult and never listen."

Adele nodded and said, "Thanks for letting me know your feelings. I'm willing to call and say I made a mistake if you like. Want to sleep on it?"

Her daughter said, "Okay, but maybe it will be all right. I'll let you know in the morning. Love you, Mom."

Adele demonstrated many important ideas about communication. Instead of making her daughter's moodiness a big issue' by saying, "We need to talk about what happened," she waited until the situation had cooled down. Then she "hung out" by sitting on her daughter's bed. If Adele had demanded that they talk, her daughter would have taken this as a signal that a lecture or a punishment was on the way. Adele realized how much more effective it is to live what she believed than to preach what she believed. She wanted good communication with her daughter, so she had to work at becoming a better communicator first.

In the long run, using this approach will mean that teens will be much more likely to "hear" their parents' actions than they are to "hear" the lectures. Although they may seem to rebel against your example for a short time, when you quietly and respectfully live what you believe, you'll be amazed at how many of your values your children will adopt when they grow up. Adele modeled waiting for the right time to talk, apologizing for her mistake, and listening to her daughter's feelings without judgments or trying to fix or change her daughter.

Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott. Three Rivers Press, New York, Revised Edition, 2000.